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UNDERSTANDING CHRISTIANITY a monthly forum on the third Saturday of each month from 6:30 to 7:30 P.M. following Evening Prayer at 6 Most forums are led by Canon Richard T. Nolan. Retired Priest-in-Residence, St. Andrew’s Church; Editor of www.philosophy-religion.org Saturday, June 16, 2007
A Prayer To Be Said In Unison Almighty God, our heavenly Father, who has committed to your Church the care and nurture of all the faithful; Enlighten with wisdom those who teach and those who learn, that, rejoicing in the knowledge of your truth, they may worship and serve you from generation to generation; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
Tonight’s Topic
"HOW TO COPE WITH GRIEF" (with a 28 min. video interview of Paula D'Arcy) CONTENTS Bereavement, Grief, Mourning …………………………………………………………………………… 1 An Introduction to Paula D’Arcy and Her Books …………………………………………………….…. 2 “Yearning Most Salient Feeling Following a Loss” (Yale University) ………………………………..… 3 “Grief and Loss” (Yale Medical Group) …………………………………………………….………….… 4 “Common Reactions To Trauma, Grief And Bereavement” (Yale-New Haven Support Groups) …..... 6 “Grief, By The Book” by Carole Bass ……………………………………………………………………… 8 Eulogy at Roy and Sarah D’Arcy’s Memorial Service (Nolan) ………….……………………………... 8 “A Bit Stronger At Their Broken Places” (Nolan) ……………………….……………………………… 10 “My Turn: 'I'm Sorry' Shouldn't Be the Hardest Words” (Hinds) …………………………......…….… 12
BEREAVEMENT, GRIEF, MOURNING “Bereavement refers to both the situation and the long-term process of adjusting to the death of someone to whom a person feels close. The terms grief and mourning refer to specific aspects of the broader bereavement process. Grief is the affective, or emotional, response to bereavement, whereas mourning refers to culturally patterned ways of behaving and the rituals followed when there is a loss.” – Erber, Aging and Older Adulthood (Wadsworth, 2005), p. 460. AN INTRODUCTION TO PAULA D’ARCY AND HER BOOKS
Her time is spent writing, leading church retreats and speaking at conferences and seminars in the US, Canada and abroad. She is also President of the Red Bird Foundation, which supports the growth and spiritual development of those in need, and furthers a ministry both to those in prison and those living in third world or disadvantaged cultures. A former therapist who ministered to those facing issues of grief and loss, Paula worked with the Peale Foundation, founded by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, from 1980 until his death in 1993. In recent years she has frequently teamed with Richard Rohr in presenting seminars on the Male/Female Journey and Spirituality in the Two Halves of Life. Her individual work includes leading women in Initiation and Rites of Passage. Paula’s ministry grew from personal tragedy. In 1975 she survived a drunk driving accident which took the lives of her husband and 22 month old daughter. Pregnant at the time, Paula survived the accident to give birth to a second daughter, Beth Starr, who now works as her personal assistant and is a member of the Board of Red Bird Foundation. For more information, including a speaking itinerary, visit www.redbirdfoundation.com. Also 2007 - www.womenspeak2007.com
Book Description Nearly three decades ago, Paula D'Arcy began to write letters to her unborn child--letters in which she chronicled her emotions, hopes and dreams. A few years later, Paula's daughter and husband were killed in a tragic automobile accident, and the diary to Sarah became a journal that today brings tremendous healing, peace, and comfort to those immersed in their own grief. This new edition includes a foreword from Gerald Sittser, author of A Grace Disguised. As well, it updates the original edition with two new afterwords: one from the author, the second from the author's second daughter, whom Paula D'Arcy was carrying in her womb at the time of the accident that killed her first child and husband.
From Paula D’Arcy’s SONG FOR SARAH (Harold Shaw, 1979), pp. 102-3
A young mother’s journey through grief and beyond after her husband and daughter were killed in an auto accident in Connecticut. The book is a series of journal entries written to her departed daughter. Paula, pregnant, was in the car, too. Her pregnancy was uninterrupted.
March, 1976 Dear Sarah:
I have lived forever with questions. But slowly some answers are beginning to unfold in my heart. It's no miracle or sudden revelation. But I am beginning to see some things. How I pray to see. I think part of the why our accident happened has to do with all men being free. All men are free to think and act and make their own choices. And all the choices have consequences - results which fall into the lives of the many others with whom we live. Think of it! And so it was possible that a man drank and raced his car on the highway. His choice. And we were driving home. That choice was ours. And we entered one another's lives in a terrible manner. Do you see it too? Just one man, motivated by greed or pride or desperation may choose unwisely and jeopardize the good toward which others may have been striving. Man is not perfect. And a free choice may be good or bad. That leaves man with a tremendous potential. A frightening one. That leaves man as a channel of light, or a party to darkness. There's no way not to choose. God did not finger you to die. Rather, nature had its way. Nature and man, neither perfect. But all of us subject to the processes they set in motion. How guilty am I? What have my many thoughtless acts set in motion? How many times have I done nothing and so abetted the darkness? How responsible man is to this life. And God. Where is he? He changes neither the acts of nature nor of man. We remain free. He created us free, and with that terrible freedom we live. But the moment we prefer the Light, he transforms . . . he transforms not the circumstances, which we create - he transforms us. He transforms how we see what has been there all along. It never changes. We do.
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New Haven, Conn. — Contrary to accepted theory, yearning and acceptance are the two most salient emotions individuals experience after a significant loss, according to a Yale School of Medicine study in this week’s Journal of the American Medical Association. The study is believed to be the first to empirically assess the stage theory of grief commonly attributed to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss physician, and relied upon heavily in medical education. The study examined disbelief, yearning, anger, depression and acceptance. “We found that disbelief was not the initial, dominant grief indicator,” said lead author Paul Maciejewski, assistant professor of psychiatry and director of the Statistical Modeling Core of Women’s Health Research at Yale. “Acceptance is the norm in the case of natural deaths, even soon after the loss. And yearning, not depression, was the most common potentially adverse psychological response.” Maciejewski said yearning is the defining feature of grief and is an emotion that most clearly reflects the absence of the deceased. “Yearning is a longing for reunion with the deceased loved one, heartache about an inability to reconnect with this person. Individuals may cognitively accept the death of a loved one, but they may still pine for them and experience pangs of grief (i.e. yearning).” According to the study, disbelief, anger, and depression were not as prominent as yearning and acceptance in absolute terms. However, each grief indicator varied as a function of time post-loss. In partial support of the stage theory, disbelief reached its peak immediately following the loss. Yearning anger and depression reached their respective peaks at four, five and six months post-loss, and acceptance reached its peak beyond six months post-loss. These feelings peak and begin to decline by six months in the case of a natural death, the researchers said. Those who experienced the loss were more likely to be accepting of the death if it occurred within six months or longer after a diagnosis. More problematic are deaths due to trauma or that occur within six months or less of diagnosis. “The persistence of negative emotions beyond six months following the death reflect a more difficult than average adjustment and suggests a need for evaluation by a mental health professional and potential referral for treatment,” Maciejewski said. The study was based on interviews with 233 bereaved individuals living in Connecticut between January 2000 and January 2003. The vast majority were spouses of the deceased and the remaining were adult children, parents, or siblings of the deceased.
Co-authors include Baohui Zhang, Susan Block and Holly Prigerson, all of Harvard. The work was supported by grants from the National Institute of Mental Health, the National Cancer Institute, the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke, Dana-Farber Cancer Institute, and Women’s Health Research at Yale. JAMA 297: February 21, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Home Health, Hospice, & Elder Care GRIEF AND LOSS OVERVIEW OF THE GRIEVING PROCESS: Grief is a natural human response to the loss of a loved one. It can manifest itself in many ways. Grief moves in and out of stages from disbelief and denial, to anger and guilt, to finding a source of comfort, to eventually adjusting to the loss. It is normal for both the dying person and the survivors to experience grief. For survivors, the grieving process can take many years and many forms. The challenge of accepting death and dying as the end stage of life is what the grieving process is all about. WHAT IS ANTICIPATORY GRIEF VS. SUDDEN LOSS? § Anticipatory grief - occurs when someone has a prolonged illness, and the patient as well as the family anticipates death. Anticipating the loss of a loved one can be just as painful and stressful as the actual act of losing that person. Anticipatory grief allows the family to prepare for the inevitable death. This can be a time to resolve issues and concerns, seek the support of spiritual leaders, family, and friends, and clarify the loved one's wishes for funeral and burial arrangements and other end-of-life issues. § Sudden loss - is a death that happens unexpectedly and suddenly, such as a fatal accident or heart attack. Such tragedies can leave survivors feeling shocked and confused. Loved ones are often left with many questions, unresolved issues, and a range of emotions, including anger, guilt, and pain. Support from family, friends, and clergy is vital to persons experiencing sudden loss. WHAT MAY HAPPEN IN THE CASE OF ANTICIPATED DEATH? Many, although not all, persons facing their own death are willing to discuss issues of death and dying. This can be a time to discuss spiritual issues, resolve family concerns, reflect on a loved one's life and accomplishments, and express gratitude. It also provides an opportunity to put practical matters in order, including the following. Consider: § Can funeral expenses be pre-paid? § Which funeral home would the person prefer to handle arrangements? § Can the person assist with obituary information to make sure it is accurate and complete? § What are the individual's specific funeral wishes? § If a church service is in order, can the person facing death help plan favorite Scripture passages or hymns? § Is cremation or burial preferred? § Has a cemetery plot been purchased? § Does the person wish for memorial contributions to be made to a particular charity or benevolent organization? § Can the person direct others regarding important practical issues, such as wills, bank accounts, lawyer's name, pension plans, retirement funds, and life insurance policies? WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF GRIEF? For both the person facing death and survivors after the death of a loved one, it is natural to experience many symptoms of grief. These can include: Physical symptoms: § Lack of energy; fatigue § Headaches and upset stomach § Excessive sleeping or, conversely, overworking and excessive activity Emotional symptoms: § Memory lapses, distraction, and preoccupation § Irritability § Depression and, conversely, feelings of euphoria § Extreme anger or, conversely, feelings of being resigned to the situation Spiritual symptoms: § Feelings of being closer to God or, conversely, feelings of anger and outrage at God § Strengthening of faith or, conversely, questioning of faith WHAT ARE THE DIFFERENT STAGES OF GRIEF? It is natural for persons who are facing death, as well as those they leave behind, to move through many stages of grief. For survivors, the grieving process can last for several months or for two to three years or more. The stages of grief do not necessarily fall into a set order, and vary greatly from one individual to another. Persons can move in and out of these stages at different times throughout the grieving process. These stages include: § shock § depression, loneliness, and a sense of isolation § physical symptoms § feelings of panic § guilt § anger § inability to return to daily routine § return of feelings of hopefulness § acceptance If you or a loved one is experiencing a grieving period that seems to last longer than it should, you may want to seek professional counseling to assist you through the process. Your physician may be a good referral source, or you may want to speak with your spiritual leader (priest, rabbi, minister, etc.) for advice. WHEN PROVIDING SUPPORT FOR THE BEREAVED: There are many things you can do to assist a bereaved person. These include: § sending cards or flowers § preparing food § providing child care § mowing the lawn § contributing to a cause which is meaningful to the family § offering transportation You may also consider the following when providing for the bereaved: § Be available. Sometimes, grieving persons do not want to talk or listen, nor do they want you to talk or listen. They simply want you to be there for them. § Allow the grieving person the full range of their emotions, including anger and bitterness - which may sometimes be expressed against God. § Be patient and understanding, but not patronizing. Do not claim to know how the other person is feeling. Do not force the person to talk or share feelings if he/she does not want to. § Do not be concerned about mentioning the deceased person's name or sharing a fond memory of the person while in the company of the bereaved. They, too, are thinking about the deceased person, so it is acceptable and natural to bring the name into conversation. § Remember that grieving takes time and is a natural human process. No matter how much you want to "stop the hurt," bereaved persons must endure the grieving process. Allow them and care for them as they move through it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yale-New Haven Support Groups COMMON REACTIONS TO TRAUMA, GRIEF AND BEREAVEMENT§ Reactions § Complications Children · Shock and denial. Feeling numb, stunned and dazed are healthy and normal reactions. Often, it is difficult to “take in” information. The appetite may disappear. People often feel completely exhausted, yet unable to sleep. The reverse may occur where people sleep most of the time. Feelings may range from fear and anxiety to guilt and depression. There are times some may feel they are going crazy. It is healthy to express true feelings in this stage. Some people find relief in crying and/or talking to others. · Searching and yearning. During this time, the bereaved search for what was lost. It is during this period that the most bizarre behavior occurs. Guilt and anger are often a part of this phase, as people search for answers. It is important that the bereaved express feelings, including anger at God—if they have those feelings—jealousy and other strong emotions. They need not be ashamed of their feelings—anger turned inward becomes guilt and this leads to depression. · Disorientation and disorganization. The appetite is poor, people lack motivation, have impaired judgment and experience insomnia. As the bereaved struggle to be relieved of disorientation there is a search to find the answer that feels right to them. A listening ear is the greatest gift to the bereaved. Society expects mourners to be healed quickly and support is often lacking after a short time. Others tend to avoid talking about the person who has died, when that is the thing that helps the bereaved most. During disorientation the self-image is lowered and the mourner often isolates himself/herself from others. · Reorganization and restoration. This phase does not occur quickly. Here people begin to sort out suspicions and attempt to identify what was lost. There is a sense of release, renewed energy, more socialization, better judgments and more stable eating and sleeping habits. Readaptation to the loss does not mean forgetting. Adults can begin to restore emotional well being by acknowledging feelings, asking for support, reestablishing routines and reaching out to others. They can care for the needs of children by listening to their feelings and fears, providing information to clarify what occurred and whether it can affect their lives and by reestablishing routines that will comfort and reassure. Complicating issues in sudden, unanticipated crisis or death Complicating issues associated with traumatization: · The capacity to cope is diminished. · The assumptive world is violently shattered. · The loss does not make sense. · The mourner experiences a profound loss of security and confidence in the world affecting all areas of life. · Symptoms of acute grief and physical and emotional shock persist for a prolonged period of time. Complicating issues associated with loss of a loved one under sudden and unanticipated circumstances: · There is no chance to say goodbye and finish unfinished business with the deceased. · Disbelief about the loss interferes with the mourner’s ability to come to grips with the reality of the death and its implications. · The mourner obsessively reconstructs events in retrospect. · The death stimulates an intense search for meaning and often the burning need to determine responsibility, affix blame and mete out punishment for the loss.
Related resources: o Coping with Disaster—Tips for Adults, National Mental Health Association o Coping with Loss, National Mental Health Association o Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, National Mental Health Association Points to keep in mind when dealing with children in grief or trauma · Children cannot sustain emotional pain for long period of time. · Do not reject their emotions. · Do not tell them how to feel or how not to feel. · Allow the child to comfort you. · Be patient—they may need to ask the same questions over and over. · Maintain order and stability in the child’s life. · Remember that children tend to idolize the dead. Help them gently regain balance and perspective. Related resources: o National Center for Children Exposed to Violence o Helping Children Handle Disaster-Related Anxiety, National Mental Health Association o "Peter Jennings Talks with Children," Answering Kids' Questions, ABC News Special
RESOURCES FOR GRIEF
AARP Grief and Loss
Programs Association for Death
Education and Counseling GriefNet Support Groups Ann Arbor, MI 48106-3272 WidowNet
Everyone knows about the five stages of loss, popularized by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross to describe the experience of terminal illness and then tweaked to address the grieving process. But who knew that these stages were mere theory, untested by empirical research?
Until now. Yale Department of Psychiatry researcher Paul Maciejewski and a team from Harvard -- headed by Maciejewski's wife, Holly Prigerson -- worked with 233 people (average age, 63) taking part in the Yale Bereavement Study, a project that examined all aspects of the grieving process in a sample of southwestern Connecticut residents. All had suffered the recent death of a family member or loved one from natural causes. The researchers interviewed participants, and administered grief and depression assessment tests, at 6 months, 11 months, and 20 months after the death.
The results, reported in the February 21 issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association, offer both confirmation of the five-stage theory and a couple of surprising contradictions. The first contradiction: although Kubler-Ross held that denial dominates the first stage of grieving, with acceptance coming last, the researchers found acceptance starting early and prevailing throughout.
The second surprise was that the strongest "negative" emotion is yearning for the loved one -- not depression, as Kubler-Ross and others believed. "It's really the absence and missing" that are the dominant elements of grief, says Maciejewski, an assistant professor of psychiatry. "You live with someone, you interact with them every day, and all of a sudden they're gone. This yearning taps into the social component of human beings, the way we make bonds with each other."
The part of the study that confirmed classical grief theory was surprising in its own way. Except for the acceptance twist, the other stages -- denial, yearning, anger, and depression -- peaked and faded in "exactly the sequence of the stage theory." When his team saw the data, their reaction was "Wow," says Maciejewski. "It seemed so improbable that the sequence would work out exactly as predicted."
Next, Maciejewski plans to develop criteria for a proposed new diagnosis of "prolonged grief disorder." The current study provides, he says, "a better understanding of what normal bereavement is. These feelings are most intense in the first six months, and then they decline."
He cautions, however, that because the study excluded deaths from causes such as car crashes and suicide, normal responses to that kind of loss might be different. Indeed, Thomas Frantz, a professor of counseling, school, and educational psychology at the State University of New York-Buffalo, notes that because Maciejewski's subjects were mostly older people who had lost their spouses, the results are "almost irrelevant" for parents mourning the death of a child.
"It takes at least a year and a half to two years for a normal, healthy person to work through the loss of a child," says Frantz. ------------------------------------
Eulogy at Roy and Sarah D’Arcy’s Memorial Service First Congregational Church, Watertown, CT September 26, 1975 Dr. Richard T. Nolan
For us this is a time to mourn, a time to speak, and a time to love. It is a time to eulogize - to praise. Our awkwardness is not with any lacking in words, but with so much that can be said in praise of Roy and Sarah. The extraordinary quality of life they shared within their family and with friends, and the warmth with which Roy related to his co1leagues and students are such positive responses to those who choose a negative tone of life. To share any portion of their brightness challenges the most cynical of us and strengthens all receptive to genuine love.
A study of Western Civilization shows us that we have been shaped greatly by the ancient Hebrew and Greek civilizations; the Hebrews emphasized community under God, trust and life – in action; the Greeks stressed curiosity and reflection. In a life integrating the two heritages, Roy was certainly in tune with these ideals.
As a beneficiary of the Hebrews, he participated in a covenant community, the people of God; there is no doubt that he had profound reverence for the Creator; the gathered people at worship was his community; as was the larger human community. His most cherished community within the covenant was, of course, his family. His parents nurtured him well as a child of God.
Roy trusted the universe and those with whom a bond of love, friendship or collegiality had been established; his initial encounter with persons was one of trust. His incredible breadth in relationships, his capacity to relate to so many varied persons has elicited often the recent comment, “No one knew him like I knew him.”
His life among us was certainly active – in the best biblical sense. As memorialized elsewhere, “He coached soccer, sang in the college chorus, advised student groups, participated in functions of the Pearl Street Neighborhood House, belonged to many professional organizations, and was president of the Mattatuck Faculty Association. He could become very excited as he reported the results of his gardening or cheered for the basketball or football team.”
His life mirrors so much of those ancient Hebrew convictions. As an heir of the Greeks, his life was marked by a healthy independence. This philosopher-dressed-in-overalls, or farmer-given-to- philosophizing was very much his own person. He would disagree or agree, create or edit, ignore the ignorable and transmit the worthwhile as his exacting judgments, standards and perspectives would permit. He had the capacity to say “yes” or “no,” to insist on his point, to modify his position, and to admit mistakenness. As one who was self-accepting, he had the courage to be.
As well, he was curious (in a child-like way, characteristic of the true scholar). His wonder and awe of the mysterious; his enthusiasm for human experiences captured especially in literature, his respect for other seekers of knowledge and wisdom permeated his life.
Roy’s capacity to reflect, to ponder, to consider, and to empathize with interpretations contrary to his own, combined with his independence and curiosity, enabled him to grow more and more in wisdom and understanding.
At a time when less humane ideals bombard us, lives such as Roy’s, lives which incorporate the best of Hebrew and Greek convictions, can serve as sources of inspiration, of hope, and of challenge.
Sarah was very much the daughter of Roy and Paula, and a loving grandchild. In her 22 months with us she was growing in the same capacities for relationships, trust, activity, independence, curiosity, and thoughtfulness. The love of her parents and their shared parenthood enabled this child of God to have an authenticity all her own. And to them, other family members and friends she returned joyful affection.
In various ways each of us has experienced a loss; we feel grief and even fears. One of Roy’s favorite expressions was, “Life has no guarantees.” He understood well the unpredictability of free persons and the positive and negative consequences of such freedom. Amidst the risks and uncertainties of living, we are confronted by fundamental choices: our lives can become marked by negativity and isolation, by defeat and despair, by passivity and wrongful impulsiveness.
But we are gathered in this building together to symbolize the positive as well as affection for one another, to celebrate within the biblical community that ultimately victory and joy can overwhelm tragedy. Not only are there the fond memories of persons now absent from us, but the trust that their Easter has dawned.
Perhaps we can be strengthened here to set aside our routine sophistication and choose to confess “My help comes from the Lord”; “The Lord is my Shepherd.” We can be comforted by Jesus’ words, “Do not let your hearts be troubled; ye believe in God”; “I will receive you unto myself.”
Perhaps we can take to heart in our memories of Sarah and Roy the words of the biblical author, “I know there is nothing better for them than to be happy and enjoy themselves as long as they live.” Perhaps we can grow through our sorrows to see the brightness and beauty in creation.
Let us celebrate the lives among us of Two Servants of God, who now continue elsewhere to grow in His love and service.
HOLY TRINITY CHURCH, WEST PALM BEACH CANON RICHARD T. NOLAN Proper 18B September 10, 2000 “A BIT STRONGER AT THEIR BROKEN PLACES” About twenty-five years ago, while watching a news program, I was shocked and saddened to learn of a car accident on a Connecticut Interstate. The tragedy resulted in the death of a colleague and his two-year-old child; his pregnant wife Paula survived and six months later gave birth to a healthy baby. Along with a new mother’s joy and love, Paula grieved profoundly. I can only imagine her painful time of loss, emptiness, disillusionment, rage, loneliness, hopelessness, bitterness, helplessness and confusion as she journeyed on her unchosen, dark road. I’m sure that many of us gathered here this morning have at one time or another experienced acute grief caused by circumstances beyond our control. Possibly someone dear to you has died and left a gnawing void in your life; perhaps you have been betrayed by someone trusted and loved; maybe an irresponsible daughter, son or parent has rejected your affection; possibly you have been unjustly fired from a job or forced into an unwanted retirement; perhaps you have received alarming medical information; maybe you have been subjected to continuous oppression or ridicule. Frightening intrusions and losses visit and wound many of us! We respond frequently, as did Paula, with mixed and awful emotions that paralyze our lives. During an early 1990s conversation with Paula (video recorded for a biomedical ethics course I was teaching), I asked whether she recalled an event when her life again seemed to have possibilities other than an overwhelming sense of embittered gloom. Listen to her own words from that interview: “It was kind of a small moment. I had moved back with my parents (because they told me to), and in the initial stages it didn’t occur to me to refute that or to make a different decision; whatever anyone told me to do, I did. I came back to Connecticut for a visit and went to my gynecologist; he checked me because I was still in the middle of a pregnancy. He said to me, when I requested that he take all my files and send them to my doctor in Massachusetts, ‘Why don’t I just send copies and then if you choose to come back, I’11 have your records still here.’ It was that one small comment that I turned over in my mind all that evening; he just had given me the suggestion ‘IF I CHOOSE,’ and that’s when it occurred to me that it would be up to me. Then I started to read stories and to really get into the lives of people who had overcome any kind of tragedy (it didn’t have to be a death), and I saw a common theme in them: it was never that they had overcome the circumstances per se; it was themselves that they had had the victory over. They had believed that they could rise above it, and it was a will to do it that was the common victory, and I started to really feed on that… One comment I read was that ‘life breaks everybody at some point, but that some can become strong at the broken places.’ That one insight led me to really look at a lot of lives, not only lives that had an obvious tragedy, and to realize that life does break everybody at some point . .... Still and all, like others, I’d made the decision to heal - which I feel is always a choice; it doesn’t happen to people; you decide to heal ....” Reports on healings of the spirit and cures of the body are found in both the Bible and elsewhere. Paula’s healing is about a mending of the spirit; in today’s reading from Mark’s Gospel we hear a transformation of the body. You and I readily accept Paula’s present-day account as factual. But what of the story from Mark? Nearly two thousand years old, this story – like most that old – is less sure. We can say, rightly I think, that the historical literary form of most biblical healings and cures indicate that they are intended to be read as factual. Different literary forms suggest parables, allegories, poems, etc. Nonetheless, for many contemporaries the notion of unexplained restorations of health is problematic, though we hear of them today from the medical world itself. Harvard’s great preacher Peter Gomes advises us with these words: “The question, ‘Is it true?, while natural, is quite the wrong question to put, for miracles are not arguments or propositions to which there are yes or no answers. The question to be put about a miracle? is not ‘Is it true?’ or even ‘How can this be?’ but rather, ‘What does this say?’ At its essence a miracle is a message – an illustration or a demonstration of a message that God chooses to communicate to us.” [Gomes, Sermons (1998), pp. 139 f.] Our focus with both Paula and Mark is precisely this, what do such accounts mean for us? What does the Creator say to us through such testimonials? At this point, a word of caution is in order. As we consider healings and cures, we must be sure that individual circumstances are truly in need of help. For example, do you know the origin of the word sinister? It is from Latin meaning on the left side. Not only in folklore, but in Christian history left-handedness was regarded as an ill omen. There are many stories of teachers who tried to force left-handed youngsters to use their right hands – even by tying the left hand behind students’ backs! One adult reports, “When entering the first grade in a Catholic school we began to write. I picked up the pencil and began to copy from the black board. I can to this day hear the nun and her words in my head. In front of the whole class she called me ‘spawn of the devil.’” Although I don’t know the specifics, for quite some time left-handed men could not be ordained. It was believed that they were spiritually and morally defective, tainted with evil, and could not possibly serve as wholesome examples. One wonders how often left-handed people were prayed for and received the laying-on-of hands, perhaps even exorcism attempts, to rectify their supposed illness! I’m sure that there are other examples of misguided diagnoses, but enough said for now. Let’s return to Mark! In this morning’s Gospel reading we hear about the restoration of the deaf man’s hearing. As to its meaning for us: how many of the ills of our world are brought about by the willing deafness of those who will not hear new information, cries of injustice - indeed, the Word of God itself. The spiritually deaf cling to half truths and ignorant notions; they deafen themselves to unfairness suffered by others; they tune out others; they fashion a religion that may have the forms of Christianity, but little of its substance. In today’s Gospel the man was also cured of an impediment in his speech. Spiritual speech impediments allow the afflicted to be silent, to not allow God’s Word to flow through them clearly. Selfishly preoccupied, they choose to be God’s mutes - silenced by cowardice, caution, and prejudice. Cured, the man’s heart was softened, his mind was opened, and his tongue released to speak plainly. Is this not what God wants of you and of me – for us to hear, speak, and be doers of the Word? Back to Paula: her chosen road to healing began in the small moment of a physician’s suggestion. She could have decided to focus on her pain and remain entombed indefinitely. Instead, she chose to respond to a “small moment” provided by a graceful healer and then walk from darkness toward the light of Resurrection. You and I will have our sorrows, afflictions, anguishes, heartaches, and tragedies. At such times we might seem to travel roads of sadness, apparently going nowhere; life will appear dark and imprisoning, and our vision will be clouded. However, we are assured that there will be perceptible, small moments providing us with graceful opportunities to choose, not merely to endure, but to move toward healing. Advice from a doctor, a meal with a beloved friend, something read, a chance conversation, something heard anew such as “Come unto me all ye that travail and are heavy laden and I will refresh you” - all familiar occasions perceived in new ways. Moreover, we might find ourselves, similar to Paula’s doctor, unknowingly ministering with healing insight, or like Christ, offering the possibility of restored abilities to those spiritually deaf and mute. At this very hour in this church all is not well with everyone present. Some of us carry varying degrees of grief in response to unwelcome circumstances beyond our control. Some of us may find it difficult to be open in heart and mind. Some of us may be reluctant to be doers, to speak up when we encounter true sinfulness. However, this Eucharistic Breaking of the Bread can be one of those perceptible, small moments wherein we discover strength and vision to choose not merely to survive the day, but to heal however slowly, however scarred we might remain. Additionally, our very individual presence, perhaps in a word or a smile, with a hand or a hug, even our sharing of bread and wine in the name of Christ, might be an occasion of ministry, such that some may choose to begin, or continue the journey toward, their own resurrected spirit, more hopeful, with a clearer vision of what might yet be, and just a bit stronger at their broken places. My Turn: 'I'm Sorry' Shouldn't Be the Hardest Words
Losing my father was painful enough without having other people try to talk me out of my grief. By Jess Decourcy Hinds Newsweek May 28, 2007 issue - After a recent death in my family, I received a number of condolence cards that tried to talk me out of my grief. "You should be happy you have your memories," wrote one friend. "You should feel lucky you got to be with your father in the hospital." Lucky? Happy? You've got to be kidding! Some cards made little mention of my father's death at all. Instead, they focused on the question of how I was going to distract myself from my grief. "Are you applying to grad school?" one person wrote. "How's your teaching going? Are you still renovating your apartment? Are you keeping busy?" I was 25 when I lost my father last fall. He was only 58, and his death from bone cancer was slow and excruciating. When I cry for my father, I cry for his suffering; I cry because he worked long, grueling hours to save for a retirement he never got to enjoy. I cry because my mother is alone. I cry because I have so much of my life ahead of me, and my father will miss everything. If I marry, if I have children, he won't be there. My grief is profound: I am mourning the past, present and future. I resent the condolence cards that hurry me through my grief, as if it were a dangerous street at night. Why don't people say "I am sorry for your loss" anymore? Why don't people accept that after a parent's death, there will be years of grief? I am still a responsible citizen and a good teacher, despite my grief. My grief is not a handicap. People seem to worry that if they encourage me to grieve openly, I will fall apart. I won't. On the contrary, if you allow me to be sad, I will be a stronger, more effective person. On the day of my father's funeral, we were greeted by a grinning deacon who shook our hands and chirped, "Isn't it a beautiful day? I'm so glad you have sun for your memorial!" I wanted to shake this woman. Couldn't she invoke a solemn tone for at least five seconds on the darkest morning of my life? Our society needs to rethink the way we communicate with mourners—especially since so many people are in mourning these days. Everyone wants mourners to "snap out of it" because observing another's anguish isn't easy to do. Here's my advice: let mourners mourn. Before I lost my father, I was just as guilty of finding the silver lining of people's grief. If someone told me she lost her mother, I might say something like "She was sick for a very long time. It's good she's not suffering anymore." When a mourner hears nothing but these "silver linings," she begins to wonder why she can't find the good in the situation the way everyone else can. People want her to smile and agree that it's going to be OK, but she can't. Sometimes the death of a loved one becomes easier to accept with time. Sometimes it does not. Condolences are some of the most difficult words to write or say. So it's natural that we freeze with writer's block when faced with such an immense task. As a college English teacher, I try to help students overcome writer's block by offering them structure. Writers often express themselves most freely when they know the rules of the genre in which they're writing. Here are my basic guidelines for mastering the Art of the Condolence:
How do we support people in mourning? We can learn from elephants. Elephants are known to grieve in groups; they loop trunks to support the bereaved. Like elephants, we should remain connected and open to mourners' sorrow longer than a two-hour memorial service. Grieving is private, but it can be public, too. We need to stop being afraid of public mourning. We need to be open to mourners. We need to look each other in the eye, and say "I am so sorry." Decourcy Hinds lives in Brooklyn, N.Y. |
Paula
D’Arcy
Yearning
Most Salient Feeling
